Americans with No Abilities Act
Washington , DC - Congress is considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance.
Under The Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle-man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every talented hire.
Finally, the AWNAA contains tough measures to make it difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled, banning, for example, interview questions such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?"
"As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to her inability to remember "rightey tightey, lefty loosey." "This new law should be real good for people like me," Gertz added.
Said a Senator who wished to remain anonymous: "As a Senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, the opportunity to take up some sort of space in this great nation and get a good salary for doing so."
Sarcastic MySpace Comments